Rasanya tahun 2016 mencatatkan tahun paling jarang update blog. Mungkin virus malas telah merebak dan menular dalam diri ini lol. Cakap nak update cerpen dan novel baru pun tak di-update jugak. Busy is not the main problem here, the problem is malas malas dan malas.
Bila menulis pun dah jadi kekok.
2016 was the toughest year in my life. Really. In January 2016, when I just started with my practicum, I've lost the woman that I love so much, my grandmother. Nenek yang membesarkan dari kecik up until last year. I've never opened up about the exact situation when I heard about the news.
Me and Beth baru balik dari sekolah & was about to go to the laundry & going back to the school for meeting. On Thursday, 28th. And the same date as my best friend's birthday, Nuzul. Well it was our initial plan. However, before we went to the laundry, Beth wanted to go the the public toilet first. So, I just waited in the car and scrolling the TL of my Instagram.
Until then, mom sent whatsapp text in our family group.
Mak dah sikda gik.
(Mak [read: nenek] dah meninggal)
The moment I read the text, I just can't digest what I read. I knew it, I understand but at the moment, I just don't know how to react and I felt my world had stopped. Without Beth beside me, I'm on my own in the car and I just remember that I turned off the radio.
Beth was back in the car and talked to me which I can't remember. I only remember that I told her "Nenek dah sikda" and she was shocked.
My phone rang and I knew when I answered the phone call, I will burst into tears. Yes, I cried the moment I heard my sister told me with her husky voice and telling me the exact thing like what my mom had sent to us.
I cried. And I told Beth, I don't believe it.
Thanks to my practicum partner for being very understanding and she helped me a lot a as I still cried.
Dari call pihak sekolah cakap tak dapat attent our very first meeting, drove back to our rumah sewa dan singgah tapau makanan as we have not eaten anything just yet. Then, masa dah sampai rumah, I was sitting dengan menangis, she helped me tanya procedures student yang tengah prac nak apply cuti untuk balik atas urusan keluarga. I called ketua unit, asking my Nak Leput sisters and telling them about the news at the same time and I cried again.
I remember Beth told me pergi mandi, solat & baca yasin. For every action that I did, dengan tangisan dan air mata. Cakap dengan Beth masih tak percaya and insisted on going back home terus. I asked for Fahmi's help untuk tengok tiket flight because I wanted to see my dear nenek masa tu jugak. Unfortunately, tiket sold out dan yang available pun petang. So tak jadi sebab I need to wait for my sister from Bintulu and my brother from Mukah.
Really, it was hard and I can't deal with my own feelings. I sat down watching Beth asking me to at least eat while waiting.
I've called banyak sangat orang & yes, still crying. Begging them to please wait for me before mandikan jenazah. But, my aunty told me jenazah tengah dimandikan di surau. This was the moment when I cried so hard that I almost got fainted.
The promise that I made the last year (2015) while taking care of her, nak mandikan dia sewaktu dia dah takda. It's not because of her current situation that made me think of doing so, but, dari dulu lafi, while in Form 4, niat saya memang nak mandikan ahli keluarga (mahram) di saat kematian mereka.
Sedih hanya Allah yang tahu, bila dah sampai kampung, sebab jenazah dibawa ke rumahnya, my uncle told me, a few days before my dear nenek meninggal, she kept on calling my name. Allahu.. nangis balik. Even sekarang tengah taip pun saya nangis. I miss her.
So many things to say here but have to stop telling the story here..
She left us dengan tenang. In front of Nek Yan (neksu) dengan my uncle. After my uncle suap her air suam,. & she left peacefully. Allah mudahkan.. tapi terkilan lah kan, I wasn't there. I wasn't able to hear her last words. Ya Allah rindunya...
I thought I am able to write about this after almost a year but still, setiap masa teringatkan my dear nenek, I cried,
Datang di rumah almost jam 12 malam, tengok sekujur tubuh kecil yang selalu murah dengan ciuman dan pelukan tatkala cucunya ini balik dari asrama. Tidur bersebelahan.. kalau kena marah dengan parents, arwahlah yang akan mempertahankan. Balik asrama, bagi duit diam-diam sebab takut duit bekal tak cukup. Bila tak balik rumah sendiri masa cuti, balik rumah aunty, where my dear nenek tinggal, arwah akan masak masakan kegemaran.
She was the first to know that I was in a relationship with F back in October, 2010.
Nek, I've completed my studies. Dulu nenek selalu cakap, entah sempat entah tidak nak tengok saya abis belajar dan grad pakai topi segi empat. :(
I promise, on the day of my graduation, I dedicate my degree to you my dear nenek, besides my parents.
May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannatul Firdaus, Allahyarhamah Sarbanun Binti Said. Innalillahi wainnalillahi rojiun. Al-Fatihah.
Dengan izin Allah, suatu hari nanti, andai cucumu ini dijemput untuk menjadi tetamu Allah, akan ku hadiahkan jemputan itu khas buatmu, dear nenek.
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| My first and last graduation that my dear nenek attended. On 2010, Form 5. |
