Hashtag: The Bad Habits.

Assalamualaikum and Hi!

I know guys. Its 0320 a.m. to be exact but here comes the old me, wanting to write after a long pause! Yes, too long until it feels really awkward to be back on track again. Even writing a novel / story makes me feel insecure - to publish it here as I am very unsure of the sentences, plot that I'm creating lol. So, if you're the frequent here before, hi again and yes I do remember of my beloved and supportive Team SII. Missing you peeps, really! xx

So, am not gonna publish my writings in here. YET. Soon, perhaps. *finger crossed*

As the title says, the bad habits, I'm gonna tell you (well not really membuka pekung di dada, but let's be fair, as you have read the fun facts about me longgggg time ago, so why not I'm writing my bad habits in here, as a reflection and who knows I might think of these habits and change myself in the future, or setting my new year goals as we will welcome 2018 in about less than a month. :')

*1*

Since I got posted, I always use work as an excuse for not doing what I did before, anymore. Or shall we say, I seldom do things / hobbies that I've always done before. As if works really stopped me from doing so. For instance, writing in blog and reading books. (Mind you, I bought few books and I've not read all and even I've read it, maybe for a few pages and it stays there for a long pause) But the truth is, sometimes I also procrastinate in doing my works. Doing last minute works has run into my blood vessels since the first day I work. Nawwwww, even the word WORK sounds unfamiliar to me. I've always think that I'm still studying and actually, I miss staying up late at night doing revision, although back then, I hate that so much. Isn't life weird guys? :/ 

*2*

Mereput! I think mereput (read: corpse-ing, being a lazy bum) is my new (old and still) hobby. Working is just an excuse to all things for me, really. Urgh why tho?! I always use work as an excuse for me to mereput all day during the weekend. I mean, I can stay on bed like a sick person (mintak jauhlah!) all day, doing nothing, as a reward for myself after 5 days of working. I realize that, making this kind of reward is really unhealthy and sangatlah bukan menantu material lol. So, this is my conspiracy theory of doing this mereput activity as my reward. Maybe most of my weekends, I stayed alone (My lovely housemate always asked me to follow her, going back but nayyy, later I can't mereput at her house lol and actually I'm just being lazy guys, for God's sake berubahlah Norolpateng hoi!) And I always planning on doing things on weekend, wanted to be productive and change myself, but to no avail. Eventually, I did everything last minute and then I complaint a lot because earlier, I was mereput, for the whole day, tahniah!

*3*

By complaining, I mean, I nag, I bising-bising, I'm doing my works in a rush and I tend to forget to do works. Like when I was so sleepy and about to sleep after fighting in front of my laptop, doing the works (ie: everyday I have to write only 3-4 short lesson plans), suddenly I remember that I haven't key in the online data or marking the papers or key in the marks or writing pending reports that make me recall the events that were happening months ago as I want to write the REPORTS and all that jazz. Seriously, I feel like I wanna cry on that time, realizing that I'm gonna shorten my sleep-time and waking up cranky the next day, because I haven't complete my tasks, also means I have to stay up longer. & that moment, thinking of how lazy I was in the previous days - wasting my time, also wasting my money going back and forth to town, and wasting my internet quota dengan perkara-perkara lagha (istighfar!) make me menyesal. Always like that. 

*4*

Not a morning person. Yes, you can relate it and you know what it means, so I stop until here! :p

*5*

Excuses. I always make excuses when I'm not interested in doing whatever works that I was assigned to, neither the daily basis tasks. I have many regular excuses that I always use like tired and leceh. As for workout, my personal coach always nag me for escaping or skipping my exercise, even doing zumba. And my excuse will always be  "Kaki I sakit" or "Sore! My muscle sore, everywhere sore!" RIP workout, RIP road to Gal Gadot's and Kayla Itsines' body. Not even close to any Victoria's Secret Angels' body guys! Hahahaha cakap je malas. 

This is the conclusion to my bad habits in 2017 guys. 

Planning to be productive - distracted (being lazy bum or addicted to social medias or going out etc) - procrastinate - last minute works - complaining - menyesal - crying / grumpy - reflection - change? (NO! Masih sama, ulang balik the cycle) 

My bad bad bad habits guys. 

As 2018 is just around the corner, one of my new year resolutions is to approve that I can be productive, as the key point to these things is actually, being productive! Not drastically, slowly but surely, in sha Allah. 

We'll see the changes later and I will update to you on how productive I am later, ameen! As for now, I am trying to be a morning person. Well, not too early lah, but still morning, can la aa! Kasi chanla sis nak beradu lama-lama during holidays (see! excuse over excuses) Hahahaha bad bad bad habits!

But really guys, I am working on these! Pray for me #PrayFor Fateen

xx

Turning Page.

Assalamualaikum and Hi!

Its been a while since I last posted an entry here. Only one blogpost for 2017 which was like moons ago, and now I'm writing again. It feels awkward tho. Boo

But, trust me, in these few months of being invisible, there are lots, like SUPER lots of things going on. Oh, did I tell you guys that I am now officially working? Like a real working adult? *pats shoulders*  Lol, yaaa, I've got posted on early of February. So, its been 7 months or so of working and thinking about work's matters everyday bored-day. 

Telling you this, I feel old. And truth to tell you, I miss my campus life - minus the lectures, assignments and examinations. 

And what I can share with you here is, turning on to the new page of my life, I learn a lot. In these past 8 months of 2017, there are lots of joys and tears - well things got so emotional most of the time. The challenges of being an adult get real and suck everyday, that I almost forget to smile and be happy. (Can't you see how much I want to be 17 years old again?)

Also, if you have read my blog since zaman dakdak belog baru nak up (Lol not me but there was this zaman berbelog famous few years back; 2009-2012), you know about me very well. Yeah, let alone the changes of my writing styles, also about my life. I know I am NO LIKE HANIS ZALIKHA but guys once you write on blog, people read about you and eventually know you too. 

Also about your relationship. 

...as what I have said earlier, things get tough and hard, life becomes more stressful, now I am entering the phase of being and thinking like an adult. And so my life matters recently.

I know some of my alam maya friends here know me and always drop by, leaving lovely and thoughtful comments that motivate me to write even more (even tak pernah jumpa, but I love you guys, especially Group Sabar Itu Indah; my novel. If I have to write your name here, memang banyak sangat! Miss me writing? Maybe after this I will continue writing.)

The two things that I wanna share to you here are:

1. I am now officially working. So, no more unemployed Fateen and after this, there will be more on work matters in this blog. Wow, this is going to be a boring blog. Lol, no la! I promise I'll write the best part only.
2. Say hi to "singular". No plural. Let go of my past blogposts okay? Tho I love reading your comments but life must go on, remember?

& I feel truly blessed as I still surrounded by peoples who love me and stay by my side through my struggling phase - and you too maybe? 😘😢

Eh suddenly nak stop writing when I open up about this. Hahahaha till then.

xx

💪

2016: Losing You, My Dear Nenek

Assalamualaikum and Hi!

Rasanya tahun 2016 mencatatkan tahun paling jarang update blog. Mungkin virus malas telah merebak dan menular dalam diri ini lol. Cakap nak update cerpen dan novel baru pun tak di-update jugak. Busy is not the main problem here, the problem is malas malas dan malas.


Bila menulis pun dah jadi kekok.

2016 was the toughest year in my life. Really. In January 2016, when I just started with my practicum, I've lost the woman that I love so much, my grandmother. Nenek yang membesarkan dari kecik up until last year. I've never opened up about the exact situation when I heard about the news.

Me and Beth baru balik dari sekolah & was about to go to the laundry & going back to the school for meeting. On Thursday, 28th. And the same date as my best friend's birthday, Nuzul. Well it was our initial plan. However, before we went to the laundry, Beth wanted to go the the public toilet first. So, I just waited in the car and scrolling the TL of my Instagram.

Until then, mom sent whatsapp text in our family group.

Mak dah sikda gik. 

(Mak [read: nenek] dah meninggal)

The moment I read the text, I just can't digest what I read. I knew it, I understand but at the moment, I just don't know how to react and I felt my world had stopped. Without Beth beside me, I'm on my own in the car and I just remember that I turned off the radio.

Beth was back in the car and talked to me which I can't remember. I only remember that I told her "Nenek dah sikda" and she was shocked.

My phone rang and I knew when I answered the phone call, I will burst into tears. Yes, I cried the moment I heard my sister told me with her husky voice and telling me the exact thing like what my mom had sent to us.

I cried. And I told Beth, I don't believe it.

Thanks to my practicum partner for being very understanding and she helped me a lot a as I still cried.

Dari call pihak sekolah cakap tak dapat attent our very first meeting, drove back to our rumah sewa dan singgah tapau makanan as we have not eaten anything just yet. Then, masa dah sampai rumah, I was sitting dengan menangis, she helped me tanya procedures student yang tengah prac nak apply cuti untuk balik atas urusan keluarga. I called ketua unit, asking my Nak Leput sisters and telling them about the news at the same time and I cried again.

I remember Beth told me pergi mandi, solat & baca yasin. For every action that I did, dengan tangisan dan air mata. Cakap dengan Beth masih tak percaya and insisted on going back home terus. I asked for Fahmi's help untuk tengok tiket flight because I wanted to see my dear nenek masa tu jugak. Unfortunately, tiket sold out dan yang available pun petang. So tak jadi sebab I need to wait for my sister from Bintulu and my brother from Mukah.

Really, it was hard and I can't deal with my own feelings. I sat down watching Beth asking me to at least eat while waiting.

I've called banyak sangat orang & yes, still crying. Begging them to please wait for me before mandikan jenazah. But, my aunty told me jenazah tengah dimandikan di surau. This was the moment when I cried so hard that I almost got fainted.

The promise that I made the last year (2015) while taking care of her, nak mandikan dia sewaktu dia dah takda. It's not because of her current situation that made me think of doing so, but, dari dulu lafi, while in Form 4, niat saya memang nak mandikan ahli keluarga (mahram) di saat kematian mereka.

Sedih hanya Allah yang tahu, bila dah sampai kampung, sebab jenazah dibawa ke rumahnya, my uncle told me, a few days before my dear nenek meninggal, she kept on calling my name. Allahu.. nangis balik. Even sekarang tengah taip pun saya nangis. I miss her.

So many things to say here but have to stop telling the story here..

She left us dengan tenang. In front of Nek Yan (neksu) dengan my uncle. After my uncle suap her air suam,. & she left peacefully. Allah mudahkan.. tapi terkilan lah kan, I wasn't there. I wasn't able to hear her last words. Ya Allah rindunya...

I thought I am able to write about this after almost a year but still, setiap masa teringatkan my dear nenek, I cried,

Datang di rumah almost jam 12 malam, tengok sekujur tubuh kecil yang selalu murah dengan ciuman dan pelukan tatkala cucunya ini balik dari asrama. Tidur bersebelahan.. kalau kena marah dengan parents, arwahlah yang  akan mempertahankan. Balik asrama, bagi duit diam-diam sebab takut duit bekal tak cukup. Bila tak balik rumah sendiri masa cuti, balik rumah aunty, where my dear nenek tinggal, arwah akan masak masakan kegemaran.

She was the first to know that I was in a relationship with F back in October, 2010.

Nek, I've completed my studies. Dulu nenek selalu cakap, entah sempat entah tidak nak tengok saya abis belajar dan grad pakai topi segi empat. :(

I promise, on the day of my graduation, I dedicate my degree to you my dear nenek, besides my parents.

May Allah grant you the highest place in Jannatul Firdaus, Allahyarhamah  Sarbanun Binti Said. Innalillahi wainnalillahi rojiun. Al-Fatihah.

Dengan izin Allah, suatu hari nanti, andai cucumu ini dijemput untuk menjadi tetamu Allah, akan ku hadiahkan jemputan itu khas buatmu, dear nenek.

My first and last graduation that my dear nenek attended. On 2010, Form 5.